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“Oh,
if I could write the beauty of her eyes! I was born to look
in
them and know myself.”
— from the
movie “Shakespeare in Love”
 It
happens to all of us at some point: we meet a stranger perhaps,
or maybe it’s someone we've known all along, and suddenly
from out of the clear blue sky falls the beginnings of attraction.
Pangs of excitement start deep in our stomach, spread across
every inch of our body, and form a smile whenever we think
about them. The anticipation of our next meeting, the next
phone call, the next chance to hear their voice, consumes
our mind, body and soul. Their favorite color appears everywhere;
song lyrics we’ve heard a thousand times take on new
meaning and grab firmly onto our heart compelling us to sing
the words out loud. An unexpected urge to write poetry and
to express ourselves artistically, bewitches us from a dormant
longing. Suddenly we begin to understand why others have described
the spark of attraction as “feeling alive again.”
It’s as if something within us, once asleep, had been
jolted awake.
Without warning we find ourselves motivated to become a better
person and surprisingly we are able to envision glimpses of
our full potential. Limitless possibilities shape our perception
of the future and the flood of emotion that goes along with
them, are brought to us like a beautifully wrapped gift dropped
into our open waiting hands. All the while we attribute this
arousing to the one who captured our heart.
Or is it?
The question we often forget to ask when we find ourselves
swept away inside the sublime of attraction is what really
draws us to that person in the first place? We may want to
believe it’s their eyes, their intellect, their beauty—or
simply the way we feel when that person is in our immediate
presence. Perhaps inside those basic thoughts lies the core
of attraction.
When we fall in love, we feel a powerful connection as if
the broken fragments of our own yearnings are assembled together
into one complete picture, and all those little painful pockets
are magically cured. Love songs, movies, and advertisements
often weave a convincing message that in order for us to feel
complete, to be who we truly are, we must first obtain our
other half, our lover, partner, “the one” who
will complete us. Believing our inner wholeness can be found
in the other person as oppose to seeing how it already exist
inside of us and always has been.
In reality, it is not the lover we seek, but rather the calling
of our authentic self, starving to be expressed. When we get
sucked into the belief that, "If only I had someone special
to love me, I would feel happy,” perhaps the real message
should be, "If only I could love myself, then I would
feel happy." We must first be whole on our own accord
before feeling whole with another.
This is why people can often enter a relationship with high
expectations, but later experience disappointment when they
discover that their partner does not match up to their idealized
vision. Yet if we pay close enough attention to that initial
attraction, when the spark first strikes, there we can find
the opportunity to uncover hidden steppingstones. Pausing
to ask our self, “Are the qualities, interests and accomplishments,
I am attracted to in the other person the very things I have
desire to obtain for myself?” can begin reconnecting
us with who we truly are.
As an exercise, you might want to examine in what ways have
you put off becoming the person you always dreamed to be.
Have you postponed taking that dance, writing or painting
class you’ve been craving to do? Have you deprived yourself
of a trip you always wanted to take, but continually convinced
yourself you needed a partner to go with? Have you denied
yourself the dream of pursuing something beyond a 9 to 5 job?
You already know in your heart what suddenly sparks your creative
side, what energizes and inspires you. The very things that
resonate with who you are, are the seeds of your inner wholeness.
Believe it or not, there isn’t one other person alive
right now, not one out of nearly seven billion people on this
planet, who can fulfill our every need, or even bring a sense
of completeness to our lives. We must first discover what
connects us directly to our true and timeless selves. By honoring
that deep resonate voice within that begins every sentence
with, “If only I…” or, “I’ve
always wanted to…” or, “I wish I could…”
we embark on an awakening of our sleeping self. Creating a
strong foundation on which to stand provides the stage we
require to fully give to and receive love from another.
The goal of a relationship is not looking for completion by
absorbing another person into our half-empty identity, but
rather to embrace him or her as a complement to an already
whole self, and for them the same. Perhaps the next time you
find the intoxicating pull of attraction tugging at your heart,
mind and body, pause and ask what is it about that person
that you are already missing in your own life. By taking a
step back to examine yourself in relation to them, you might
finally give yourself the emotional B-12 you need towards
obtaining that ideal relationship you dream about, and the
one you know is possible.
It’s not out there. It’s in here.
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