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Drawing A Line in the Sand
The importance of setting boundaries
by Lisa A. Riley, LMFT
What does it mean
to set boundaries?
Imagine two people standing face-to-face in the middle of a heated
argument. One grabs a stick, draws a line in the sand between them,
and says, “You cannot set foot across.” As I’m
sure you probably know, setting emotional boundaries with others
isn’t always quite that simple. In fact, sometimes it requires
redrawing the same line over and over again before people finally
respond. Learning to set effective boundaries, on the other hand,
is a necessary skill we must develop to protect ourselves from being
taken advantage of, violated, or disrespected. It may further allow
us the opportunity to become a truer version of the person we really
are by honoring needs and wants we value. When we become effective
in the expression of our limits, we send a powerful message out,
and others are more likely to respond with the respect and consideration
we ask of them.
Establishing boundaries sometimes requires confrontation—something
most of us would generally prefer to avoid. Confrontation can often
be associated with rudeness, disrespect, or as a refusal to do what
others expect of us. Perhaps your experience in the past with expressing
likes and dislikes was met with shame, criticism or reactivity,
and you eventually learned to stuff your honest self away. The message
that you are required to maintain the peace by giving in, despite
your feelings, came through loud and clear. On top of that, perhaps
someone in your life crossed boundaries by repeatedly violating
you emotionally or sexually, and now you struggle to recognize whenever
boundaries are crossed.
However, confrontation doesn’t need to be avoided altogether
because some of it comes in a more healthy form. While it’s
true some of it is “confrontational,” there is also
such a thing as healthy confrontation, or “non-confrontational”
ways in which to establish boundaries without becoming hostile or
argumentative. While most of us easily recognize the hostile type
of confrontation, most of us lack a thorough understanding of the
healthy and productive form. So with that in mind, let us look closer
at what healthy confrontation might look like.
5 Simple Ways To Set Boundaries with Healthy Confrontation
1. Telling someone about something that did not feel good
The act of confronting someone by letting them know what they did,
or said, did not feel good, or was disrespectful.
Examples:
• “What you said really bothered me, and I would
appreciate your becoming more aware of it.”
• “I’m uncomfortable with your hand there. Please
move it away.”
2. Expressing likes & dislikes
Expressing preferences; what you want, or what you don’t want
Examples:
• “I’m not comfortable meeting at your house.
I would rather meet in a neutral or public place instead.”
• “I’d like to stay home and watch a movie,
so I won’t be joining you guys tonight.”
• “I would really prefer Italian food.”
• “Please don’t continue to call me at work.”
3. Saying “No”
Taking a moment to listen to your instincts, and saying “no”
to something that doesn’t feel right, or is uncomfortable.
Example:
• “I don’t want to commit to so many days
each week.”
• “I don’t feel comfortable in that situation,
so I’m going to say no on this one.”
• “Although I had fun going out, I’m not interested
in pursuing a relationship with you.”
4. Honoring mixed feelings or uncertainty
When you feel pressured to agree to something you’re not sure
about, honor those feelings and give yourself time to think before
giving an answer.
Example:
• “Let me think about it, and I’ll get back
to you.”
• “I’m really not sure how I feel at this moment.
I need to take a little time before I can respond.”
5. Protecting personal space and time
Having courage to safeguard personal time and space, like when a
person talks non-stop for hours, dominates the conversation, and
is in total disregard of your time. This can easily happen on the
phone, or in person. Another example might be when someone consistently
arrives late when you have plans together.
Example:
• “I really have a lot of work to do and can’t
talk long, so I need to cut this call short.”
• “We have a lot to cover, and my time is limited,
so it’s important we keep this meeting brief.”
• “I would appreciate if you could be more considerate
of our time, and be punctual.”
Whenever someone disrespects our boundaries,
it may leave us feeling as though something was stolen emotionally.
With boundaries established, we tend to feel better about ourselves,
and avoid resenting others. As lines are drawn in the sand early
with someone new, it establishes a more effective dynamic from the
start, and you protect yourself from people taking advantage of
your time, space and feelings. With boundaries now firmly in place,
we are more in control of our lives, and no longer feeling disempowered.
As challenging as it is to practice at first, in the long run healthy
confrontation forms strong relationships, and that ultimately leads
to the space you need to take care of yourself.
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