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 What
does it mean to set boundaries?
Imagine two people standing face-to-face in the middle of
a heated argument. One grabs a stick, draws a line in the
sand between them, and says, “You cannot set foot across.”
As I’m sure you probably know, setting emotional boundaries
with others isn’t always quite that simple. In fact,
sometimes it requires redrawing the same line over and over
again before people finally respond. Learning to set effective
boundaries, on the other hand, is a necessary skill we must
develop to protect ourselves from being taken advantage of,
violated, or disrespected. It may further allow us the opportunity
to become a truer version of the person we really are by honoring
needs and wants we value. When we become effective in the
expression of our limits, we send a powerful message out,
and others are more likely to respond with the respect and
consideration we ask of them.
Establishing boundaries sometimes requires confrontation—something
most of us would generally prefer to avoid. Confrontation
can often be associated with rudeness, disrespect, or as a
refusal to do what others expect of us. Perhaps your experience
in the past with expressing likes and dislikes was met with
shame, criticism or reactivity, and you eventually learned
to stuff your honest self away. The message that you are required
to maintain the peace by giving in, despite your feelings,
came through loud and clear. On top of that, perhaps someone
in your life crossed boundaries by repeatedly violating you
emotionally or sexually, and now you struggle to recognize
whenever boundaries are crossed.
However, confrontation doesn’t need to be avoided altogether
because some of it comes in a more healthy form. While it’s
true some of it is “confrontational,” there is
also such a thing as healthy confrontation, or “non-confrontational”
ways in which to establish boundaries without becoming hostile
or argumentative. While most of us easily recognize the hostile
type of confrontation, most of us lack a thorough understanding
of the healthy and productive form. So with that in mind,
let us look closer at what healthy confrontation might look
like.
5 Simple Ways To Set Boundaries
with Healthy Confrontation
1. Telling someone about something that did not feel
good
The act of confronting someone by letting them know what they
did, or said, did not feel good, or was disrespectful.
Examples:
• “What you said really bothered me, and
I would appreciate your becoming more aware of it.”
• “I’m uncomfortable with your hand there.
Please move it away.”
2. Expressing likes & dislikes
Expressing preferences; what you want, or what you don’t
want
Examples:
• “I’m not comfortable meeting at
your house. I would rather meet in a neutral or public place
instead.”
• “I’d like to stay home and watch a movie,
so I won’t be joining you guys tonight.”
• “I would really prefer Italian food.”
• “Please don’t continue to call me at
work.”
3. Saying “No”
Taking a moment to listen to your instincts, and saying “no”
to something that doesn’t feel right, or is uncomfortable.
Example:
• “I don’t want to commit to so many
days each week.”
• “I don’t feel comfortable in that situation,
so I’m going to say no on this one.”
• “Although I had fun going out, I’m not
interested in pursuing a relationship with you.”
4. Honoring mixed feelings or
uncertainty
When you feel pressured to agree to something you’re
not sure about, honor those feelings and give yourself time
to think before giving an answer.
Example:
• “Let me think about it, and I’ll get
back to you.”
• “I’m really not sure how I feel at this
moment. I need to take a little time before I can respond.”
5. Protecting personal space
and time
Having courage to safeguard personal time and space, like
when a person talks non-stop for hours, dominates the conversation,
and is in total disregard of your time. This can easily happen
on the phone, or in person. Another example might be when
someone consistently arrives late when you have plans together.
Example:
• “I really have a lot of work to do and
can’t talk long, so I need to cut this call short.”
• “We have a lot to cover, and my time is limited,
so it’s important we keep this meeting brief.”
• “I would appreciate if you could be more considerate
of our time, and be punctual.”
Whenever someone disrespects our boundaries,
it may leave us feeling as though something was stolen emotionally.
With boundaries established, we tend to feel better about
ourselves, and avoid resenting others. As lines are drawn
in the sand early with someone new, it establishes a more
effective dynamic from the start, and you protect yourself
from people taking advantage of your time, space and feelings.
With boundaries now firmly in place, we are more in control
of our lives, and no longer feeling disempowered. As challenging
as it is to practice at first, in the long run healthy confrontation
forms strong relationships, and that ultimately leads to the
space you need to take care of yourself.
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email:
theartofmind@gmail.com